Company You Till the End

In: Other Topics

Submitted By torchwood
Words 13546
Pages 55
绝望男人与绝症妻子的温馨爱情:陪你到最后

妻子过世前的几个星期,她问我想不想把我们的故事写成一本书;二○○一年五月, 在她的葬礼后,我仍旧没认真考虑这件事。我去了伦敦、伊维沙岛,还有阿姆斯特丹,我 将所有的时间都用来狂欢。 最后,为了抚平心中的伤痛,我还是决定要把它写下来,用她的方式。而在这时我也 正准备带着当时三岁的女儿卢娜,出发到澳洲,我们要开露营车四处旅行,去一个新的环 境,看各式各样的人,体会不同的感受。 第一本记事本很快就写满了,接着又陆续写了十几本,我突然很有灵感地写下很多东 西,我的脑海里出现一个又一个的画面,那时我才了解到,妻子的死对自己的打击有多大, 所有我们曾经经历过的种种,对自己的影响有多深。这种难过的压力让我完成了《陪你到 最后》,它在荷兰已经卖出一百万册,全球也有三十种语言的翻译本出版。 这本书里大部分的情节是由我的真实经历所改编,但这不是一部自传,而是一本关于 爱的小说。其中,丹尼的感觉和挫折是我的亲身经验,但是我跟他的个性差很多,他很没 礼貌,又有性别歧视(我可不是这种人!),而且并非所有事情都是真实发生过的,其中 有部分是我编出来的,有些则比事实夸大许多;但是第三章卡门过世的故事,几乎跟真的 一模一样。 死亡是一种艺术,我的妻子证明了这一点。如果你在害怕中度过你的一生,那就不算 真正活过。当然,你可以在发现罹患癌症后,抱着好死不如歹活的心情撑到生命最后一刻; 但是如果能在有限的人生里让生命发光发热,那么就算死去,也感觉没那么难以接受了。 这是我在亲眼看见亲人死去后,一个很重要的体会。 瑞?科伦(Ray Kluun) 二○○八年六月于阿姆斯特丹

陪你到最后 第一章(1)

我究竟在这里做什么我不属于这里 Radiohead,from Creep(Pablo Honey,1992)1 路上所花 的时间与前几次一样,走进圣卢卡斯医院的旋转门时我这么想。这些天以来我们已是第三 次来这里了。今天我们要去一楼,卡门的预约卡上写着“105 室”。我们要去的那个走廊 挤满了人,我们正准备挤入人群中时,一个明显戴着假发的老人用拐杖指向一扇门。 “你们要先进去,告诉他们你们到了。”

我们点点头,忐忑不安地走进 105 室,门边的小木板上写着“内科专家 W.H.F.谢特 玛”。看得出来,里面的房间才是真正的候诊室——走廊上的人实际上是里面容纳不下的。 在此等候的病人年龄起码大我们十岁以上,他们不约而同地用怜悯同情的眼神看着我们。 医院也有自己的等级,我们显然是新人,我们是候诊室的外来客,我们不属于这里。但是, 卡门的乳腺癌不会这么认为。 一位花甲之年的老妇人坐在医院的轮椅上,瘦骨嶙峋的手上紧紧抓着一张和卡门一样 的塑料封皮的预约卡,毫无顾忌地上下打量我们。我试着表现出一种优越感——我和妻子 都年轻、漂亮、健康,比你好多了,你这个满是褶子的老皮囊。可别以为我们会待在这儿, 我们会飞速离开这个癌症窝,但是我的肢体语言却不配合,把我的不安全感泄露无疑。这 就像你走进一家城镇小酒吧,从旁人嘲讽的眼神中意识到自己就像个穿着过于隆重的阿姆 斯特丹人。真希望早上我没有选这件宽松的带蛇皮饰带的红色衬衫。卡门也很不安。确诊: 从现在开始我们真的属于这里了。 105 室也有一个问讯台,坐在问讯台后面的护士似乎看透了我们的心思,她立刻问我 们是否愿意到隔壁的小房间去坐。真及时,因为我从眼角看到卡门又泪水盈眶了。不必挤 在候诊室或走廊上的一群行尸走肉中间,我们大大松了口气。 “前天,肯定是个沉重打击。”护士端来咖啡,对我们说。我立即想到医院已经会讨 论过卡门?范迪安潘的病情了。护士看看卡门,然后看看我。我努力振作起来,一个才见 面的护士不必看到我的可怜样。 追求众多女色的男人差不多都属两种类型其一,是在所有的女人身上寻求一个女人这 个女人存在于他们一如既往的主观梦想之中另一类,则是想占有客观女性世界里无穷的种 种姿色他们被这种欲念所诱惑。 Milan Kundera,from The Unbearable Lightness of Being(1984)2 我是个享乐主义者,有着 严重的孤独恐惧症,但我的享乐思想立刻被卡门征服了,我对她一见钟情。可从一开始, 她就不满我对一夫一妻制的恐慌与焦虑。起初,她对此还有几分同情,觉得我与其他女人 的逢场作戏好玩,把这看做是挑战而不是预警。 直到一年后——那时我们不住一起——我与那时供职在伯尼维广告公司的接待员莎朗…...

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